Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Request...

How do you be the best mom you can when the only example you have known seems like something straight out of a Jerry Springer episode?

This is a question that has haunted me since the day Mike and I got married. We both knew from our first date that we wanted kids - and to raise them in a Christian household. Talking about it was fine - and when we became pregnant with Parker I talked myself into believing that I would be the best mom, the total opposite of my mother. I prayed daily and trusted that God would take over and teach me by example of women around me how to accomplish my most important goal. And He did teach me....I'm learning everyday through the Word, prayer, amazing girlfriends and family, and trial-and-error. I don't always do it right; I fail, and I yell, and I misunderstand. But there is forgiveness in every new morning I greet. God has placed the most amazing Step Mom and Mother in Law in my life - and I can't imagine how I would make it through without them. And my husband; oh, my BEST half. He is gentle, loving, and so very patient when I just need to cry or vent or laugh. He makes me laugh harder than anyone I've ever met. And he builds me up and forces me see the good job I am doing.

But that was with the boys.....

We recently found out that we're having a baby GIRL - Praise the Lord for a beautiful, healthy, and perfectly developing child! I will not question God's perfect will over my life and the lives of the children He will give. But, just between you and me, I'm scared to death of being a mother to a girl.

My mother and my relationship has been unhealthy and turbulent since my earliest memories. I've always bent over backwards to try and make my mother love me, to make her proud. She left in the middle of the night when I was 10, and never looked back or accepted responsibility. Every time she called and came back and I forgave and forgot - I wound up being hurt, no, destroyed. I always turned a blind eye to her blatant sinning in hopes that she would accept me and be a healthy fixture in my life. But I just can't any longer. I am a mother - and I need to be emotionally and physically healthy in order to best take care of my family.

The last time my mother and I talked was when Hunter was only a few weeks old - well over two years ago. In that conversation I was letting God speak through me - keeping my cool and not stooping to her level. I calmly explained to her that her lies were catching up with her and hurting people she [supposedly] loved. And that her drug and alcohol abuse made it impossible to have a relationship with her. She yelled and ranted, cursed me up one side and down the other, called me every name in the book and ended with calling me the b-word and sarcastically saying that I am 'just SOOO perfect' (in a snotty 6th grade girl kind of voice). Her words still haunt me. My own mother - hating me. Spewing venom and lies that cut me so deep and won't stop ringing in my ears. She said I would end up just like her with my children being taken away from me.

Just like her....Just like her...Just like her.....

I am not her - and I pray that God will reveal truths in my life and keep me accountable and on the straight and narrow. But the enemy has weaseled his way into my thoughts, entwined his lies in the truth and blurred the lines so much so that I am feeling inadequate and fearful. I am starting to believe that I will be just like her - that this sweet baby girl will feel the same way about me someday that I feel towards my mother.

Pregnancy is uber emotional all on its own so I've been pushing these feelings and fears away in hopes that not acknowledging them will make them *poof* disappear! But they aren't going anywhere, and I refuse to let Satan win and take away the joy of carrying a child and basking in God's amazing plan!

So, what's my request? Your Prayers. I love my children beyond measure and I trust in the Lord with all my heart - and if you know me at all, you know these truths are evident in my life. But, I need my head and my heart to coincide and free me from these thoughts and lies. I need to take steps in forgiveness and move on with my life once and for all....Any ideas on how to actually do that? :)

Monday, November 21, 2011

Mom Guilt

Oy! The beauty of being a mother - and the pressure put on to be the best and do it all, all of the time.

I had a good day at work on Saturday - we were busy and the day flew by. I stopped off at Kohl's and Yankee Candle to score freebies and get a few Christmas gifts on my way home. I arrived home ready to get a shower and hang out with the Youth Group at Pesto's and a VU Basketball game.

Then I saw I had started to spot - again. I was scared and upset and called the doctor. She asked that I come to the Hospital and get checked out. I went in immediately and called a dear friend on the way for support and prayer. All checked out fine, no dilation, no contractions, and an ultrasound showed baby girl safely inside, playing away! It was a nerve-racking 3 hours, and many calls and texts to update Mike of what was going on. I lay in the bed worrying away....when the nurse came in with a smile and gave me the all clear. She ordered bed rest for 48 hours and a few further instructions.

I walked up to my unit to give my doctor's note with the order to stay home from work the next day. And it hit me: GUILT!! I feel awful about calling off. Then, the girls reminded me that rest is exactly what I need, and it was probably doing too much at work that got me into this in the first place.... Then, I felt worse. I had caused this, brought it upon myself.

I came home and got my babies in bed (without lifting one of them!) and snuggled in to relax and put my feet up.

Bed rest sounds like a lovely little vacation from chores and having to wear anything but sweats. But for me, Type A and a touch ADHD, sitting still is not one of my strong suits! I made lists, did homework, read, and folded laundry, and ordered a maternity support belt for work - all while sitting....I felt guilty about watching Mike get the boys showered and off to church, preparing meals, cleaning up, and he also had work to catch up on.

I would do anything to keep my baby safe and healthy, but little girl is giving me a run for my money! I am still resting today. My wonderful Mother-in-Law is coming to help out with the boys and I will check in and see what the doctor wants to do next.

I am following orders and trying like crazy to keep this nagging guilt at bay! I guess I'll just enjoy being the one to be taken care of and playing with my little boys.... :)

Monday, October 10, 2011

Just Some Friendly Tips....

If you should ever encounter a pregnant woman, please choose your words, comments, questions, and suggestions, carefully.

 Here are a few LOVELY little comments I have received thus far in this pregnancy (number 3):

1. "How far along are you? Really? Really? Are you sure you're only __ weeks along??"

2. "Maybe you're carrying twins!?! You can't be that big so early for just ONE baby...."

3. "I think it's a Girl. They say that girl's take all your good looks."

4. "It could be a girl, they say you gain a lot of weight in your butt and thighs when you're having a girl."

5. "Should you be eating that?" (It was a  SALAD and a slice of pizza!!)

6.  " Caffeine really isn't good for you..." (To which I replied: I get one cup of coffee and/or can of pop a day. It's one thing that I SO look forward to as I have 2 kids - neither of whom nap! - I work, and I go to school!)

7. "WOW! You're REALLY big!"

8. "How OLD are you?!?" (To which I'd love to reply, while wrangling my 2 other kids - "Just turned 16..." just to mess with people!!)

Long story short: We're tried, we're sweaty, we're EMOTIONAL, and your comments - although well meant - are not helpful, nor kind.

I'm enjoying this time with my guys and a precious little one in my belly, and I am finally learning to laugh it off. This is my fourth pregnancy in four years, and I think I'm doing pretty well! :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Is That Poop Smeared on My Shirt?!?

We've been in Wisconsin Dells for the past few days and have had a blast on our much-needed family vacation! Horseback riding, water parks, go-carts, arcades, treats, an historical train ride, and a petting zoo. My boys have loved every minute of it - except, of  course, sitting down to eat three times a day. I have a love-hate relationship with food - I love it, but its hard to eat while trying not to toss my cookies. And I hate it when I know I need to eat, but it takes me 30 minutes to choke down a banana!

We had a few meltdowns on this trip - which were quickly curtailed by an appropriate punishment and due to little boys being tired from simply too much fun.

I spent almost all of my trip covered in food that the boys [generously] wiped on my clothes, sticky, and just plain dirty. I sported raccoon eyes while running in and out of waterfalls with the boys, up ladders and down water slides! I carried tired guys, and lugged my camera to capture every minute. I sometimes get wrapped up in how I look to others. 'Hi! We're from Indiana. Haha - normally I don't look like this but *child* spilled *whatever can be spilled* on me.' {Haha, cringe!} and 'Normally I don't sweat this much, but I'm 7 1/2 weeks pregnant. Yeah, I know. I look huge, but it's just ONE baby and I'm SURE I'm just 7 weeks. No, yeah, I'm sure.' Thanks for asking!

I spent about 4 hours walking around exploring and feeling good about how I looked. Showered, hair done, and a clean cute outfit. It wasn't until we home that I realized that brown streak on my belly was, in fact, poop from changing a diaper on the go. Oy!

But to my kids - I'm beautiful. I'm strong and fun. And I carried them - 10 months of 'mountain' climbing EACH. My body bears the battle scars of 30 hours of combined labor to bring the first two into the world. I don't always have time for make up and a blow dryer - or clothes that don't use the word 'sweat-____' to describe them. My hands and my feet are almost never manicured - or painted.  But, I do have time for kisses and hugs, discussions about animals and matchbox cars, and wiping tears. These are the things I care about - the things I wouldn't miss for the world. I have years and years to get my pre-baby figure back (Yikes! That was about 20 pounds ago....but, I digress. Let's get THIS little bundle healthy and out - then I'll work on losing [hopefully] a few of those!)

Us moms live a selfless life - and I'd give up even more if it meant that my children and husband could feel any  more loved or happier......

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Changes....Big and Small

It's been a busy and way too fast-paced summer in the Krooswyk Household! Between Church events with Youth, the boys, weekends at the Lake, work, and school it seems like we're chasing our tails! But, the summer school semester is over and I have a few precious weeks to slow down and enjoy my guys!

Speaking of school - I received my grade in Math....3% points off from a C. So, no nursing school this Fall. But, I am continuing on with my pre-reqs and will apply to the ASN program again next Summer or Fall. I was sad and disappointed - but I refuse to play the shoulda-coulda-woulda game. I worked hard and did my absolute best, and that's all I can say. I also appealed to my teacher, and his supervisor - to no avail.

Another school- related topic - Parker is all enrolled and ready to start pre-school at Little Lamb this Fall. I am so excited for him; he just beams when he talks about pre school and all the fun he'll have....but my 'momma heart' is aching that he is such a big boy - and that he's not sad in the least to be without his momma! On one hand I am so grateful that he isn't clingy and scared to go - but he could at least humor me and say he'll miss me! :)  I guess I should get used to my 'babies' growing up!

I am still fiercely clinging to knowing that God has a plan for me... and to following where He leads. I am beginning to see that sometimes unanswered prayers aren't at all unanswered, just re-directed to fit God's way-too-good-to-be-true plan!

And that brings me to this - the biggest - well - 'smallest' change.....

Mike and I are beyond excited to announce that Baby Krooswyk #3 will make a grand entrance in March 2012!! Everything is going great, healthy, and right on schedule. I had an ultrasound on Tuesday that showed a strong heartbeat and a gorgeous baby growing and changing! Praise the Lord for His faithfulness - and His plans that we can't always see or understand!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Breathe In, Breathe Out.....

Last Tuesday I had my Nursing Orientation meeting..I went in excited and full of butterflies. I came out - crying. Not because my feelings were hurt or that I was scared, I was (am) overwhelmed....

Part-time work, Full-time school, Full-time mom, wife, and friend. How can I do all this? How will I keep up? Will there be days that my kids won't remember what I look like because I'm either at work, school, or have my nose stuck in a book? I am so fearful of the busyness. I don't want to sacrifice all my time with my kids for a degree....But becoming an RN will benefit us all - and 4 semesters is just a season of our lives.

I work solely for insurance - this is an answer to our prayers as we have great coverage for the entire family through Porter Hospital. So, I can't quit my job - or even cut back hours.

I will have classes at least two days a week, clinicals at least one night a week, and work 1-2 week nights and every other weekend. Oy!

When I called Mike he could hear the fear in my voice. He said we'd take it a day at time. He is so good; both for me and to me. He is not afraid of hard work - at his day job and with our kids. There is no chore that he won't do - I am blessed beyond belief to have him. I love that he believes in me, and stands right by my side to help me.

So, what am I going to do?

Breathe in and out. Slowly and calmly. I am going to go to my Father, daily - perhaps by the minute, and lay all of this at his feet. I will trust that He will perfectly work out Insurance for us. That He will provide a sitter for the kids. That He will help me balance it all.

I trust in His perfect and beautiful plan. He has blessed me ABUNDANTLY and I will continue to trust in and walk with Him.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


It's been far too long since I have blogged!

This is due partly to summer classes (Math and Life Skills), partly to family and work, and mostly, due to life! Isn't it funny how weeks can just fly and when we look back we see that all we've done is survive?

I have noticed that all I have done is make it thru each day - not thinking about the footprint that I've left behind. I'm working so hard to be everything to everyone and to get at least a C in my math class. I have neglected to spend time with my Father - and that is why this stress has crept in and taken root in my heart. I am a bit of a control freak and I feel like the more I worry - the better the outcome. Pretty dumb, right?

Lionel Young spoke directly to my heart this past Sunday in his sermon. As I was blow drying my hair I prayed that God would take my burden and allow me to worship and learn. And He did just that! I lifted my hands and my voice and took notes. What a beautiful let down of worries!

My God told me that He will grant me what I ask in His name. So I am fervently praying that He will lead me into Nursing school this Fall - meaning that I will pass Math with at least a C. I have 2 tutors, and am working hours on it every day. I am doing  my part to work hard, and also trusting in God's plan for my life....

Monday, June 13, 2011

A Letter Came....

While at work on Saturday I got a text from a girlfriend that she had received her letter from Ivy Tech in the mail. I got a knot in my stomach and my heart started racing! I couldn't wait to get home and check my mailbox....

I prayed the whole way home - "Lord, your will...not mine. Your will, NOT mine." I pulled in the drive and hopped out and grabbed the mail. There in my hot little hands was a letter from Ivy Tech. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes, trying to calm my shaking hands. I even took a picture of the unopened letter (for posterity's sake, and to post to Facebook). I opened it and my eyes immediately went to the word not (and yes, that is the exact way it appeared in the text!) I wasn't in - and apparently couldn't understand the rejection letter's wording without the bold, italicized, and underlined wording. Thanks for the salt in my wound, IT!

I cried - I think I cursed. I was so upset. I had worked hard! A 4.0 GPA and an above average TEAS test score....I gave up time with family and friends, hours of required sleep, and a large chunk of my sanity. What more do they want?

Mike is in Canada and didn't answer my call. I felt alone and stupid. (I hate to call myself stupid; it is far from the truth. But that letter made me feel that way!) I didn't want to share my news with anyone, and only a few people know about it as of now. I was okay with wallowing in self pity - and letting my anger creep in and steal my joy. And I did wallow on Saturday.

I was standing in church on Sunday morning and God spoke to me in EVERY song! {He works ALL things together for MY good!} {Hallelujah! What a Savior!}

Not my will, but yours, Lord

There will be answers to this. I will see - in HIS timing - what He has for me. I was so overcome with sadness over losing the baby - but I felt that maybe school was where I was supposed to be. Now with school seeming to be gone, I'm was not sure what to do....


I applied to Valpo Ivy Tech for both programs - LPN and RN. I have only been declined for the RN. I have not yet heard about the LPN program. The same at Gary Ivy Tech. I haven't heard on either from the Gary campus.

I refuse to be down about this. If I am to be in nursing - I will be. If God has another place for me - I will be there. And, for tonight, I am okay with waiting on Him. And I will praise Him and live for Him WHILE I'M WAITING.

Psalm 25
1 To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;
in you I trust, O my God.
4 Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths....
 my hope is in you all day long.
7....for you are good, O Lord.
10 All the ways of the Lord
are loving and faithful...
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Been a While June 5

Well....It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been busy - but I don't know what with....

The Spring semester is over, and tomorrow I start Summer semester.  I am taking Ivy Tech Life Skills - the Community College Experience. I am also taking Algebra and Trigonometry. They're both Internet courses, but I know I'll be busy and have to work hard to keep up my GPA.

I am still waiting on my {Acceptance} letter from the Nursing program at Ivy Tech. They have been delayed twice and now are set to be in the mail the middle of next week.....Did I ever mention that I abhor waiting - being in limbo? I am a planner. I love lists, calenders, and having every minute scheduled and knowing exactly what comes next. I know...CONTROL FREAK!! :) Hi, I'm Audrey and I'm anal retentive. Whew, feels great to get it out there.

I have been filling my days with busyness....and not really talking to my Father. Luckily, He is patient and gives second chances - this is my 2,890th second chance! :) I am antsy and have not let peace in, because I have been trying to take life on all by myself. I sat and read last night before bed.

Reading over how meaningless the 'priorities' of this world are. It's all a chasing after the wind. Do you know anyone who can catch the wind? I can't....Lord knows I have tried, though.

I need to get back. I am open and completely broken to God's will. I need to remind myself of this daily. I am open to the things that tug at my heart strings - the things I am {almost} afraid that God will call me to do...I think that's how He teaches us to trust.

I am a sitter at work today and have time to read, reflect, and write.....and get paid for it. Score!! :)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Lessons I Learned While Trying Not to Lose My Sanity.....

What a week....
it's been loud,
and beautiful all at once.

I've had a blessed week and learned some lessons along the way.

Lesson #1.
I have been so excited to use the LAST diaper in this house! (For now, of course) And in that celebration have overlooked stocking up on wipes. (An essential in potty training!) Hoobie has been doing well...he genuinely likes the toilet and likes using it for the intended purpose - as well as for other 'recreational' purposes...
Today, he went potty and while I was throwing away the old pull up, he ran to the kitchen. No pants, just a T-shirt....
I think it's cute!!
Here is the lesson in this story - ALWAYS diaper a 23 month old no matter how sweet their 'cheeks' are! I spent the next few 'not so cute' minutes cleaning poo (sorry...) off the carpet! oh, and no wipes makes it VERY fun to clean the aforementioned poo off legs, booty, hands, and feet.
Lesson learned.
Lesson #2
A mixed drink in a pretty glass at 8 o'clock on the couch while wearing jammies can feel like a vacation...
(Captain and Diet, if you're wondering!)
Lesson #3
While wrestling with 2 boys - watch out for tongues....You get the picture, right? Oh, and note to self - I MUST start lifting weights if I want to have more boys and spend time wrestling. Man, they are strong when one gets your legs and the other tickles you while trying to lick your face!
Lesson #4
A tube of sunblock can make BEAUTIFUL finger paintings on your leather car upholstery...I'm sure you're getting a mental image of this one as well....
Lesson #5
Getting your hands dirty in the mud can do wonders for your soul....
And flowers always cheer your heart!
Lesson #6
ANYONE who 'knows' when the end will come is a crackpot...
'Nuff said.
Lesson #7
If you want your child to eat, make them a different meal than you're eating. (preferably something easy and savable for next time. i.e., PB&J) Then tell them to eat their food while you eat yours. Chances are, they'll opt for the food on your plate and actually eat a good, full meal! And *BONUS* you get to eat the PB&J - a favorite of mine! :)
Lesson #8
Don't wear shorts if you haven't shaved your legs...No matter who you're hanging out with.
I shaved on Monday. I worked Tuesday and Wednesday nights.
On Thursday morning I was sipping coffee on the couch with the boys. Hoobie came over and said 'Hi, Momma!' His blue eyes locked with mine and he put his little patties on my knees. He ran his hands down and up in a sweet, loving way. I was happy with this wake-up greeting...until his face changed to concern. "Uckie, momma. Uckie! Owwww....." I guess even a little guy can tell when mom is getting lazy and doesn't shave!
Lesson #9
Laugh when you wanna'll save your sanity and freak your kids out so much so that they just may stop throwing golf balls at the dog in your formal dining room long enough to pay attention to the warning you're giving...
Lesson #10
Trying to wear out your knees in prayer is a futile effort....God made our knees to bend and He'll renew your strength with every single 'Amen'.  But, I dare you to try it....

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Celebrating Mike! May 17

I met Mikie about 8 years ago at work. He was (and IS) SO cute and sweet!
He was one of those guys that I crushed on hard - never imagining
That God would join our hearts forever!

He is so many  things to us:
A playmate to the boys...
A curious little boy in a man's body!
A wonderful Daddy with loving hands to comfort,
strong hands to protect,
and hard hands to discipline and keep his boys
in line with the Lord's commands.
He is captain of his boat,
a Boss at work,
a tender heart to the ones he loves,
a comedian,
a philosopher,
the hardest working man, 
wine connoseur,
a man of God,
and he
enjoys a good cigar and a round or two of golf.

He is my better half - and I love having a day to tell him all these things!
To shower him in love,
make a special dinner,
and get him gifts.
He never asks for anything - and he embarrasses easily when all eyes are on him.....
And I take full advantage of pampering him when I can!

Happy Birthday, Mike!

(oh, and he doesn't like his picture taken! :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Stealing Joy.... May 15

I was getting Parker ready for church. He was in a hooded towel - he's 3 and WAY too big for them, but he loves the comfort of their fluffiness! - and I was picking out a nice outfit for him to wear. He looked sweetly at me and said, "Momma, how's the baby?" He reached out and touched my belly. I looked him in the eyes and paused....Do you tell a 3 year old the truth about their baby sibling? Should I gloss it over? Make it seem as if he were crazy and we never were expecting?

He deserved to know the truth. I felt a calm wash over me and I said, "Sweetie, our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus." He looked confused. "So she's not in there?" "No, baby. Jesus took her to heaven!" He looked upset. "Was she bad so he took her?" "No, buddy! She was wonderful. But she was sick and Jesus took her home. Sometimes little tiny babies need to go be with Jesus because He can take better care of them than we can."

He had a crest-fallen look on his innocent, chubby cheeks. "But I wanted to put her in sweet little dresses..." I hugged him tightly and marveled at how much even he loved this little baby...

I wanted to dress her up, too. I wanted to see her big brothers take care of her. I wanted her...or him. I wanted that baby.

This season of life is so, work, kids, Youth Group, a partnership with my hubby. Trying to juggle all of these things - to be the best at each one. I am a master plate spinner! But in those few precious weeks of my pregnancy - I let them all slow to a stop and hit the floor. I was having a baby! This would change life - but in great, busy, crazy, loud, beautiful ways! I had a pass to let the little things go. So many things were up in the air: would I get into nursing school? Were Mike and I seeing where God wanted us? Were we following Him? How would I work, go to school, and be a good mom and wife? But in those weeks - I knew one thing to be certain. I was pregnant, and would be for at least 8 more months. I would follow where God led, school and work would fall into place EXACTLY as God intended.

Now, I just feel up in the air. I am at peace with where little number 3 is....that that baby is loved beyond belief and will meet me one day at the Heavenly gates - smiling and recognizing me as her/his momma!

But now what? I feel like I don't know what to do now...I want that acceptance letter from school. I want more kids. I want to be a servant of God. I want to hear Him whisper to me what His plan is. I am a planner, and I am unbelievably vulnerable when I can't see it all laid out! :) My head is filled with noise, with plans, with questions, and now worry is seeping in.

I have been in a funk - just an un-happy place. But I refuse to let Satan steal my joy and cloud the beauty that is all around me! This week I will be still. I will listen to my Father - I will trust. And you can hold me accountable and ask what God is telling me...This way I will have to have an answer - I will have to be still. (Well, figuratively speaking! You all know I don't truly 'relax'! )

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with signing."
Haggai 3:17

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Healing Hands May 11

A call light went off tonight. I hopped up from the desk and made my way toward the blinking red light. I went in and asked 'M' if he was okay. She looked a little embarrassed and couldn't quite get out her request.

She was in the restroom and I guessed at a few possibilities. She needed help with getting cleaned up and she seemed truly amazed that I said with a smile "I sure can help with that!" I left the room to get a few things and when I came back she seemed almost surprised that I was willing to kneel at her feet and help her into clean garments. That I would take the time to clean her. That I would help her back to bed and ask if there was anything else I could do. She looked me in the eyes and genuinely thanked me.

She was discharged home and I rolled her out to her husband who was waiting in the car. I gingerly helped her up and into the passenger seat. I tucked her dress underneath her so it wouldn't get caught in the door. I told her to take care and get some rest. Her eyes pierced mine and she said "thank you, for everything."

My job isn't glamorous, I don't make the big bucks, and tonight I ran around sweaty and tired. But 2 words make my days worth it. Hearing a stranger thank you for helping them when they're vulnerable and trusting you to make it better doesn't seem like work, but almost a privilege.

I love my job and can't wait to see what God has for me in this line of work....I have willing hands and a heart broken to His will!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Some Sun! May 10, 2011

A Beautiful Sun-Shine Day! 

We laughed and played....

First a stop at Mimi's Place
Then, home to play!




My Beautiful Boys on a Beautiful Day! 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day May 8, 2011

I always hated Mother's Day as a young adult. Instead of celebrating a mom I always celebrated my Dad - he was wonderful and filled every gap that my mom left when she took off in the middle of the night when I was 10. I still call him every year on this day and thank him for being such a wonderful Dad! :)

Four years ago on Mother's Day morning I found out I was pregnant with my beautiful first born, Parker Thomas. It was such a fun I truly heart this day. Not because I am celebrated, but because I celebrate God's most precious gift - my boys!

This year was filled with love, laughter, family, and.....poop.

The boys made me blueberry pancakes and by the time they were done eating - we all needed a bath! (blueberries smashed into blond hair are easily mistaken for gaping wounds!) The boys were showering and I was cleaning up the kitchen. When I heard from Mike "A little help, Aud!"

I came into the bathroom and saw Hunt looking especially proud of himself....He had *ahem* pooped on the shower ledge! He was so proud of himself for not going in his diaper! Oy! We cleaned up the mess and I got Park out to get dressed. A few minutes later I heard "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

I ran in...yup! He had squatted again!

After laughs and antibacterial clean up...we made it to church. A beautiful service of worship, the word, and baby dedication. I cried through most of it, and Mike got emotional along with me. I love that God sends songs of worship to our lips and tells us through others exactly what we need to hear!

I went to collect my boys....Hunter reached out to me with a sweet little hand....full of POOP!! What is going on with this child? He had blown out a diaper....poop, poop, everywhere poop! It was on his socks and shoes. I laughed so hard I almost cried! What else can you do? I stripped him down and used a half box of wipes to clean him. We had no extra clothes, so we walked out of church with him wearing only a diaper....Happy Mother's Day to me! I wouldn't trade any of it for the world!

A delicious lunch in the sunshine with my in-laws and more laughter...

Life may be 'crappy' at times...but the blessing of children far outweighs the smell and the smears.

Friday, May 6, 2011

An Answer.... May 6, 2011

I arrived at the Doctor's office today at 8:20 and sat with my two sweet boys while waiting to go back and see Dr. Murphy. There were beautifully pregnant women all around and I made myself smile at them and be happy about the little ones in their bellies - Sometimes making your mind lie to yourself can trick you into really feeling that way...

I got a few compliments about how cute and sweet my boys warmed my heart and hearing it from strangers made it click in my head - I AM BLESSED! Though it's sad and tough now, I am blessed. Should God not give us anymore children, I can be satisfied in the amazing little men he has already entrusted me with!

We were called back

Parker told me he and Hunter were doctors and they used a measuring tape to give me a check up with while we waited in room #6.  "You measure 56 and you won't need a cast!" He was so serious and concerned that it made me laugh and lighten up. Dr. Murphy came in and the boys gave her a check up, too. So sweet of her to play along!

My levels had dropped from 216 to 150 within 48 hours and I am having what seems like a normal period. I am relieved to hear that I can just relax at home with my boys and let this happen naturally - no procedure or medicines needed. And she was very reassuring that we could try again in a few months.

While this experience was not a pleasant one, and still hurts deeply, it is part of my story. It is part of His plan. Nothing happens to me that does not first pass by His throne....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Journey May 5, 2011

This is my 'debut' blog! I thought it would be flowery and fun and let you all in on a little secret that Mike and I have been keeping for a few weeks now...

It was supposed to chronicle the beautiful journey of my pregnancy with our third child....However, it will chronicle a sorrowful account of how our littlest has gone to be with the Lord.

Our second child, Hunter, will be 2 in June. And since the day we brought him home from the hospital we have said we wanted more! More of whoever God had chosen for us! But life kind of got in the way - School, work, 2 busy boys!

About six months ago I started pushing hard for it - no one was getting any younger! :) Mike and I 'discussed' it...which ended in him being frustrated and me crying. We just didn't know how to 'fit it in'. (sounds stupid in print....I know) After weeks of back and forth, Mike called out of the blue and told me not to take my pill any longer. It wasn't our plan, but God's and He would grow our family according to HIS plans...Pure joy! God had hit us both in the head with the same message at the same time that day!

About 4 weeks later, on a Tuesday, I woke and decided to take a test. I had taken one on Saturday and it was very much negative. But, I just had a hunch. Sure enough, we were expecting! My world changed in that moment! Nothing else mattered - it would all just fall into place because we truly trusted God to plan and keep this family.

I don't think Mike believed me when I called him...but we both got more and more excited as the days went by! A baby - a new life! A child God trusted us with in His perfect timing. I changed habits: ate healthier, gave up all but a lil' bit of caffeine (and if you know me - I am ALWAYS juiced with either pop or coffee!), and my body changed quickly. My abdomen heard we were expecting and literally made the sound of a popped whoopie cushion and gave out!

I was blessed beyond belief; a close relationship with God based on so much trust, a strong marriage, beautiful boys, and a semester marked with a 4.0 grade average.

Tuesday May 3

I had a busy morning, but that's the norm at my house anymore. I was about to hop in the shower before my 3-11 shift at the hospital when I noticed I was spotting a bit. I breathed deeply and begged my mind to calm down. Sometimes it's normal at the beginning of a pregnancy....I called Mike and he told me I had to call the Doctor. I did. A nurse called back, after what felt like an eternity, and told me to get an ultrasound done ASAP. I got to work and headed to U/S the minute they called for me.

I lay on the table, by myself, searching for any clue on the sonographers face. She turned the monitor away from me, and I begged my eyes to hold in tears. What a scary time....

I dressed and waited in the waiting room - my mind swirling with terrible thoughts. I always came back to "it can't happen, this baby is what God has for us...He'll be just fine..." After about an hour of wait I asked if they could just call the report to my floor. I had to do something to get my mind off the pain of waiting...

I set to work on Pediatrics, and at 6:00 our phone finally rang. The x-ray receptionist patched me through to Dr. Murphy before I could step into the break room for privacy. I heard her voice...her concerned tone...'No sign of a baby'...'maybe a blood clot'....'more tests'....My heart sank. I choked out the words "did I lose him?" No answer. Just "we need to do some blood work". I sobbed. I hung up the phone as I tried to wipe snot from my face. I couldn't see, my eyes stung. What the hell did that mean?!?! No sign of a baby....

Our charge nurse told me to go home and be with my family after making sure I was okay to drive. I went downstairs to the lab to wait for them to draw blood. The news was on and I was so angry they were talking about elections and who said what and who wore what. Didn't they know I could be losing a baby? Didn't the nurses know to hurry it up because I had to get home and hold my little boys tighter than ever?? This is not happening...

The next morning Mike and I met with Dr. Murphy. She was sweet, understanding, and helpful. She patted my knee and seemed to truly understand my pain. To know how difficult the decisions were that we were expected to make.

Here's What I do know:

I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I had an ultrasound and there was no baby to be found in the images - Just what appeared to maybe be a blood clot. I then had blood drawn to check my levels of HcG. I went to the doctor and she told me my level was around 200. A normal 6 week pregnant woman would have levels at 1500-2000.

She said I am either miscarying now, or it is an Ectopic Pregnancy. Either way - it is not a 'viable' pregnancy. Baby will never fully develop.

I go back to have more blood drawn tonight before my Anatomy Final - and my levels checked again. If they are high it is most likely an ectopic pregnancy and we will decide between surgery and a shot to get baby out. If my levels are low - baby will have passed away and I will have a D&C to get him out. I will have an answer as to what the next step is on Friday morning around 9.

Sorrow and sadness to do not begin to cover the emotions I am feeling....but one thing I do know is that I am hopeful. Through the tears I can feel God's love, and that even in this, He has a perfect plan. I am grieving over this baby that I will never hold, but I am holding tightly to the boys I do have...

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."
1 Samuel 1:27-28

May 5, 2011

I have been craving an outlet for my clouded mind for some time now and it finally hit me - a BLOG! A way to take a Time Out and untangle my day-to-day craziness....