Sunday, May 15, 2011

Stealing Joy.... May 15

I was getting Parker ready for church. He was in a hooded towel - he's 3 and WAY too big for them, but he loves the comfort of their fluffiness! - and I was picking out a nice outfit for him to wear. He looked sweetly at me and said, "Momma, how's the baby?" He reached out and touched my belly. I looked him in the eyes and paused....Do you tell a 3 year old the truth about their baby sibling? Should I gloss it over? Make it seem as if he were crazy and we never were expecting?

He deserved to know the truth. I felt a calm wash over me and I said, "Sweetie, our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus." He looked confused. "So she's not in there?" "No, baby. Jesus took her to heaven!" He looked upset. "Was she bad so he took her?" "No, buddy! She was wonderful. But she was sick and Jesus took her home. Sometimes little tiny babies need to go be with Jesus because He can take better care of them than we can."

He had a crest-fallen look on his innocent, chubby cheeks. "But I wanted to put her in sweet little dresses..." I hugged him tightly and marveled at how much even he loved this little baby...

I wanted to dress her up, too. I wanted to see her big brothers take care of her. I wanted her...or him. I wanted that baby.

This season of life is so, work, kids, Youth Group, a partnership with my hubby. Trying to juggle all of these things - to be the best at each one. I am a master plate spinner! But in those few precious weeks of my pregnancy - I let them all slow to a stop and hit the floor. I was having a baby! This would change life - but in great, busy, crazy, loud, beautiful ways! I had a pass to let the little things go. So many things were up in the air: would I get into nursing school? Were Mike and I seeing where God wanted us? Were we following Him? How would I work, go to school, and be a good mom and wife? But in those weeks - I knew one thing to be certain. I was pregnant, and would be for at least 8 more months. I would follow where God led, school and work would fall into place EXACTLY as God intended.

Now, I just feel up in the air. I am at peace with where little number 3 is....that that baby is loved beyond belief and will meet me one day at the Heavenly gates - smiling and recognizing me as her/his momma!

But now what? I feel like I don't know what to do now...I want that acceptance letter from school. I want more kids. I want to be a servant of God. I want to hear Him whisper to me what His plan is. I am a planner, and I am unbelievably vulnerable when I can't see it all laid out! :) My head is filled with noise, with plans, with questions, and now worry is seeping in.

I have been in a funk - just an un-happy place. But I refuse to let Satan steal my joy and cloud the beauty that is all around me! This week I will be still. I will listen to my Father - I will trust. And you can hold me accountable and ask what God is telling me...This way I will have to have an answer - I will have to be still. (Well, figuratively speaking! You all know I don't truly 'relax'! )

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with signing."
Haggai 3:17

1 comment:

  1. I love reading your posts. I won't try to pretend I know what you're going through with the miscarriage. I hope I never have to experience that and that you never will again either. I do know that God has a plan for all of us, we may never understand why things happen or don't happen. From what you say it sounds like you are very blessed with a loving Godly husband and wonderful sons! In time I'm sure God will bless you again, beyond what you could even imagine! We too struggled with having another baby, or put school first.... we definitely want more kids but I know for me it would be so hard to do that and have a baby. We decided to wait until I'm done with school, or almost done with it. It's still something I think about a lot. But I know it will happen in God's time and I just need to put it in prayer.