Saturday, May 21, 2011

Lessons I Learned While Trying Not to Lose My Sanity.....

What a week....
it's been loud,
and beautiful all at once.

I've had a blessed week and learned some lessons along the way.

Lesson #1.
I have been so excited to use the LAST diaper in this house! (For now, of course) And in that celebration have overlooked stocking up on wipes. (An essential in potty training!) Hoobie has been doing well...he genuinely likes the toilet and likes using it for the intended purpose - as well as for other 'recreational' purposes...
Today, he went potty and while I was throwing away the old pull up, he ran to the kitchen. No pants, just a T-shirt....
I think it's cute!!
Here is the lesson in this story - ALWAYS diaper a 23 month old no matter how sweet their 'cheeks' are! I spent the next few 'not so cute' minutes cleaning poo (sorry...) off the carpet! oh, and no wipes makes it VERY fun to clean the aforementioned poo off legs, booty, hands, and feet.
Lesson learned.
Lesson #2
A mixed drink in a pretty glass at 8 o'clock on the couch while wearing jammies can feel like a vacation...
(Captain and Diet, if you're wondering!)
Lesson #3
While wrestling with 2 boys - watch out for tongues....You get the picture, right? Oh, and note to self - I MUST start lifting weights if I want to have more boys and spend time wrestling. Man, they are strong when one gets your legs and the other tickles you while trying to lick your face!
Lesson #4
A tube of sunblock can make BEAUTIFUL finger paintings on your leather car upholstery...I'm sure you're getting a mental image of this one as well....
Lesson #5
Getting your hands dirty in the mud can do wonders for your soul....
And flowers always cheer your heart!
Lesson #6
ANYONE who 'knows' when the end will come is a crackpot...
'Nuff said.
Lesson #7
If you want your child to eat, make them a different meal than you're eating. (preferably something easy and savable for next time. i.e., PB&J) Then tell them to eat their food while you eat yours. Chances are, they'll opt for the food on your plate and actually eat a good, full meal! And *BONUS* you get to eat the PB&J - a favorite of mine! :)
Lesson #8
Don't wear shorts if you haven't shaved your legs...No matter who you're hanging out with.
I shaved on Monday. I worked Tuesday and Wednesday nights.
On Thursday morning I was sipping coffee on the couch with the boys. Hoobie came over and said 'Hi, Momma!' His blue eyes locked with mine and he put his little patties on my knees. He ran his hands down and up in a sweet, loving way. I was happy with this wake-up greeting...until his face changed to concern. "Uckie, momma. Uckie! Owwww....." I guess even a little guy can tell when mom is getting lazy and doesn't shave!
Lesson #9
Laugh when you wanna'll save your sanity and freak your kids out so much so that they just may stop throwing golf balls at the dog in your formal dining room long enough to pay attention to the warning you're giving...
Lesson #10
Trying to wear out your knees in prayer is a futile effort....God made our knees to bend and He'll renew your strength with every single 'Amen'.  But, I dare you to try it....

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Celebrating Mike! May 17

I met Mikie about 8 years ago at work. He was (and IS) SO cute and sweet!
He was one of those guys that I crushed on hard - never imagining
That God would join our hearts forever!

He is so many  things to us:
A playmate to the boys...
A curious little boy in a man's body!
A wonderful Daddy with loving hands to comfort,
strong hands to protect,
and hard hands to discipline and keep his boys
in line with the Lord's commands.
He is captain of his boat,
a Boss at work,
a tender heart to the ones he loves,
a comedian,
a philosopher,
the hardest working man, 
wine connoseur,
a man of God,
and he
enjoys a good cigar and a round or two of golf.

He is my better half - and I love having a day to tell him all these things!
To shower him in love,
make a special dinner,
and get him gifts.
He never asks for anything - and he embarrasses easily when all eyes are on him.....
And I take full advantage of pampering him when I can!

Happy Birthday, Mike!

(oh, and he doesn't like his picture taken! :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Stealing Joy.... May 15

I was getting Parker ready for church. He was in a hooded towel - he's 3 and WAY too big for them, but he loves the comfort of their fluffiness! - and I was picking out a nice outfit for him to wear. He looked sweetly at me and said, "Momma, how's the baby?" He reached out and touched my belly. I looked him in the eyes and paused....Do you tell a 3 year old the truth about their baby sibling? Should I gloss it over? Make it seem as if he were crazy and we never were expecting?

He deserved to know the truth. I felt a calm wash over me and I said, "Sweetie, our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus." He looked confused. "So she's not in there?" "No, baby. Jesus took her to heaven!" He looked upset. "Was she bad so he took her?" "No, buddy! She was wonderful. But she was sick and Jesus took her home. Sometimes little tiny babies need to go be with Jesus because He can take better care of them than we can."

He had a crest-fallen look on his innocent, chubby cheeks. "But I wanted to put her in sweet little dresses..." I hugged him tightly and marveled at how much even he loved this little baby...

I wanted to dress her up, too. I wanted to see her big brothers take care of her. I wanted her...or him. I wanted that baby.

This season of life is so, work, kids, Youth Group, a partnership with my hubby. Trying to juggle all of these things - to be the best at each one. I am a master plate spinner! But in those few precious weeks of my pregnancy - I let them all slow to a stop and hit the floor. I was having a baby! This would change life - but in great, busy, crazy, loud, beautiful ways! I had a pass to let the little things go. So many things were up in the air: would I get into nursing school? Were Mike and I seeing where God wanted us? Were we following Him? How would I work, go to school, and be a good mom and wife? But in those weeks - I knew one thing to be certain. I was pregnant, and would be for at least 8 more months. I would follow where God led, school and work would fall into place EXACTLY as God intended.

Now, I just feel up in the air. I am at peace with where little number 3 is....that that baby is loved beyond belief and will meet me one day at the Heavenly gates - smiling and recognizing me as her/his momma!

But now what? I feel like I don't know what to do now...I want that acceptance letter from school. I want more kids. I want to be a servant of God. I want to hear Him whisper to me what His plan is. I am a planner, and I am unbelievably vulnerable when I can't see it all laid out! :) My head is filled with noise, with plans, with questions, and now worry is seeping in.

I have been in a funk - just an un-happy place. But I refuse to let Satan steal my joy and cloud the beauty that is all around me! This week I will be still. I will listen to my Father - I will trust. And you can hold me accountable and ask what God is telling me...This way I will have to have an answer - I will have to be still. (Well, figuratively speaking! You all know I don't truly 'relax'! )

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with signing."
Haggai 3:17

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Healing Hands May 11

A call light went off tonight. I hopped up from the desk and made my way toward the blinking red light. I went in and asked 'M' if he was okay. She looked a little embarrassed and couldn't quite get out her request.

She was in the restroom and I guessed at a few possibilities. She needed help with getting cleaned up and she seemed truly amazed that I said with a smile "I sure can help with that!" I left the room to get a few things and when I came back she seemed almost surprised that I was willing to kneel at her feet and help her into clean garments. That I would take the time to clean her. That I would help her back to bed and ask if there was anything else I could do. She looked me in the eyes and genuinely thanked me.

She was discharged home and I rolled her out to her husband who was waiting in the car. I gingerly helped her up and into the passenger seat. I tucked her dress underneath her so it wouldn't get caught in the door. I told her to take care and get some rest. Her eyes pierced mine and she said "thank you, for everything."

My job isn't glamorous, I don't make the big bucks, and tonight I ran around sweaty and tired. But 2 words make my days worth it. Hearing a stranger thank you for helping them when they're vulnerable and trusting you to make it better doesn't seem like work, but almost a privilege.

I love my job and can't wait to see what God has for me in this line of work....I have willing hands and a heart broken to His will!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Some Sun! May 10, 2011

A Beautiful Sun-Shine Day! 

We laughed and played....

First a stop at Mimi's Place
Then, home to play!




My Beautiful Boys on a Beautiful Day! 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day May 8, 2011

I always hated Mother's Day as a young adult. Instead of celebrating a mom I always celebrated my Dad - he was wonderful and filled every gap that my mom left when she took off in the middle of the night when I was 10. I still call him every year on this day and thank him for being such a wonderful Dad! :)

Four years ago on Mother's Day morning I found out I was pregnant with my beautiful first born, Parker Thomas. It was such a fun I truly heart this day. Not because I am celebrated, but because I celebrate God's most precious gift - my boys!

This year was filled with love, laughter, family, and.....poop.

The boys made me blueberry pancakes and by the time they were done eating - we all needed a bath! (blueberries smashed into blond hair are easily mistaken for gaping wounds!) The boys were showering and I was cleaning up the kitchen. When I heard from Mike "A little help, Aud!"

I came into the bathroom and saw Hunt looking especially proud of himself....He had *ahem* pooped on the shower ledge! He was so proud of himself for not going in his diaper! Oy! We cleaned up the mess and I got Park out to get dressed. A few minutes later I heard "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

I ran in...yup! He had squatted again!

After laughs and antibacterial clean up...we made it to church. A beautiful service of worship, the word, and baby dedication. I cried through most of it, and Mike got emotional along with me. I love that God sends songs of worship to our lips and tells us through others exactly what we need to hear!

I went to collect my boys....Hunter reached out to me with a sweet little hand....full of POOP!! What is going on with this child? He had blown out a diaper....poop, poop, everywhere poop! It was on his socks and shoes. I laughed so hard I almost cried! What else can you do? I stripped him down and used a half box of wipes to clean him. We had no extra clothes, so we walked out of church with him wearing only a diaper....Happy Mother's Day to me! I wouldn't trade any of it for the world!

A delicious lunch in the sunshine with my in-laws and more laughter...

Life may be 'crappy' at times...but the blessing of children far outweighs the smell and the smears.

Friday, May 6, 2011

An Answer.... May 6, 2011

I arrived at the Doctor's office today at 8:20 and sat with my two sweet boys while waiting to go back and see Dr. Murphy. There were beautifully pregnant women all around and I made myself smile at them and be happy about the little ones in their bellies - Sometimes making your mind lie to yourself can trick you into really feeling that way...

I got a few compliments about how cute and sweet my boys warmed my heart and hearing it from strangers made it click in my head - I AM BLESSED! Though it's sad and tough now, I am blessed. Should God not give us anymore children, I can be satisfied in the amazing little men he has already entrusted me with!

We were called back

Parker told me he and Hunter were doctors and they used a measuring tape to give me a check up with while we waited in room #6.  "You measure 56 and you won't need a cast!" He was so serious and concerned that it made me laugh and lighten up. Dr. Murphy came in and the boys gave her a check up, too. So sweet of her to play along!

My levels had dropped from 216 to 150 within 48 hours and I am having what seems like a normal period. I am relieved to hear that I can just relax at home with my boys and let this happen naturally - no procedure or medicines needed. And she was very reassuring that we could try again in a few months.

While this experience was not a pleasant one, and still hurts deeply, it is part of my story. It is part of His plan. Nothing happens to me that does not first pass by His throne....

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Journey May 5, 2011

This is my 'debut' blog! I thought it would be flowery and fun and let you all in on a little secret that Mike and I have been keeping for a few weeks now...

It was supposed to chronicle the beautiful journey of my pregnancy with our third child....However, it will chronicle a sorrowful account of how our littlest has gone to be with the Lord.

Our second child, Hunter, will be 2 in June. And since the day we brought him home from the hospital we have said we wanted more! More of whoever God had chosen for us! But life kind of got in the way - School, work, 2 busy boys!

About six months ago I started pushing hard for it - no one was getting any younger! :) Mike and I 'discussed' it...which ended in him being frustrated and me crying. We just didn't know how to 'fit it in'. (sounds stupid in print....I know) After weeks of back and forth, Mike called out of the blue and told me not to take my pill any longer. It wasn't our plan, but God's and He would grow our family according to HIS plans...Pure joy! God had hit us both in the head with the same message at the same time that day!

About 4 weeks later, on a Tuesday, I woke and decided to take a test. I had taken one on Saturday and it was very much negative. But, I just had a hunch. Sure enough, we were expecting! My world changed in that moment! Nothing else mattered - it would all just fall into place because we truly trusted God to plan and keep this family.

I don't think Mike believed me when I called him...but we both got more and more excited as the days went by! A baby - a new life! A child God trusted us with in His perfect timing. I changed habits: ate healthier, gave up all but a lil' bit of caffeine (and if you know me - I am ALWAYS juiced with either pop or coffee!), and my body changed quickly. My abdomen heard we were expecting and literally made the sound of a popped whoopie cushion and gave out!

I was blessed beyond belief; a close relationship with God based on so much trust, a strong marriage, beautiful boys, and a semester marked with a 4.0 grade average.

Tuesday May 3

I had a busy morning, but that's the norm at my house anymore. I was about to hop in the shower before my 3-11 shift at the hospital when I noticed I was spotting a bit. I breathed deeply and begged my mind to calm down. Sometimes it's normal at the beginning of a pregnancy....I called Mike and he told me I had to call the Doctor. I did. A nurse called back, after what felt like an eternity, and told me to get an ultrasound done ASAP. I got to work and headed to U/S the minute they called for me.

I lay on the table, by myself, searching for any clue on the sonographers face. She turned the monitor away from me, and I begged my eyes to hold in tears. What a scary time....

I dressed and waited in the waiting room - my mind swirling with terrible thoughts. I always came back to "it can't happen, this baby is what God has for us...He'll be just fine..." After about an hour of wait I asked if they could just call the report to my floor. I had to do something to get my mind off the pain of waiting...

I set to work on Pediatrics, and at 6:00 our phone finally rang. The x-ray receptionist patched me through to Dr. Murphy before I could step into the break room for privacy. I heard her voice...her concerned tone...'No sign of a baby'...'maybe a blood clot'....'more tests'....My heart sank. I choked out the words "did I lose him?" No answer. Just "we need to do some blood work". I sobbed. I hung up the phone as I tried to wipe snot from my face. I couldn't see, my eyes stung. What the hell did that mean?!?! No sign of a baby....

Our charge nurse told me to go home and be with my family after making sure I was okay to drive. I went downstairs to the lab to wait for them to draw blood. The news was on and I was so angry they were talking about elections and who said what and who wore what. Didn't they know I could be losing a baby? Didn't the nurses know to hurry it up because I had to get home and hold my little boys tighter than ever?? This is not happening...

The next morning Mike and I met with Dr. Murphy. She was sweet, understanding, and helpful. She patted my knee and seemed to truly understand my pain. To know how difficult the decisions were that we were expected to make.

Here's What I do know:

I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I had an ultrasound and there was no baby to be found in the images - Just what appeared to maybe be a blood clot. I then had blood drawn to check my levels of HcG. I went to the doctor and she told me my level was around 200. A normal 6 week pregnant woman would have levels at 1500-2000.

She said I am either miscarying now, or it is an Ectopic Pregnancy. Either way - it is not a 'viable' pregnancy. Baby will never fully develop.

I go back to have more blood drawn tonight before my Anatomy Final - and my levels checked again. If they are high it is most likely an ectopic pregnancy and we will decide between surgery and a shot to get baby out. If my levels are low - baby will have passed away and I will have a D&C to get him out. I will have an answer as to what the next step is on Friday morning around 9.

Sorrow and sadness to do not begin to cover the emotions I am feeling....but one thing I do know is that I am hopeful. Through the tears I can feel God's love, and that even in this, He has a perfect plan. I am grieving over this baby that I will never hold, but I am holding tightly to the boys I do have...

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."
1 Samuel 1:27-28

May 5, 2011

I have been craving an outlet for my clouded mind for some time now and it finally hit me - a BLOG! A way to take a Time Out and untangle my day-to-day craziness....