Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Request...

How do you be the best mom you can when the only example you have known seems like something straight out of a Jerry Springer episode?

This is a question that has haunted me since the day Mike and I got married. We both knew from our first date that we wanted kids - and to raise them in a Christian household. Talking about it was fine - and when we became pregnant with Parker I talked myself into believing that I would be the best mom, the total opposite of my mother. I prayed daily and trusted that God would take over and teach me by example of women around me how to accomplish my most important goal. And He did teach me....I'm learning everyday through the Word, prayer, amazing girlfriends and family, and trial-and-error. I don't always do it right; I fail, and I yell, and I misunderstand. But there is forgiveness in every new morning I greet. God has placed the most amazing Step Mom and Mother in Law in my life - and I can't imagine how I would make it through without them. And my husband; oh, my BEST half. He is gentle, loving, and so very patient when I just need to cry or vent or laugh. He makes me laugh harder than anyone I've ever met. And he builds me up and forces me see the good job I am doing.

But that was with the boys.....

We recently found out that we're having a baby GIRL - Praise the Lord for a beautiful, healthy, and perfectly developing child! I will not question God's perfect will over my life and the lives of the children He will give. But, just between you and me, I'm scared to death of being a mother to a girl.

My mother and my relationship has been unhealthy and turbulent since my earliest memories. I've always bent over backwards to try and make my mother love me, to make her proud. She left in the middle of the night when I was 10, and never looked back or accepted responsibility. Every time she called and came back and I forgave and forgot - I wound up being hurt, no, destroyed. I always turned a blind eye to her blatant sinning in hopes that she would accept me and be a healthy fixture in my life. But I just can't any longer. I am a mother - and I need to be emotionally and physically healthy in order to best take care of my family.

The last time my mother and I talked was when Hunter was only a few weeks old - well over two years ago. In that conversation I was letting God speak through me - keeping my cool and not stooping to her level. I calmly explained to her that her lies were catching up with her and hurting people she [supposedly] loved. And that her drug and alcohol abuse made it impossible to have a relationship with her. She yelled and ranted, cursed me up one side and down the other, called me every name in the book and ended with calling me the b-word and sarcastically saying that I am 'just SOOO perfect' (in a snotty 6th grade girl kind of voice). Her words still haunt me. My own mother - hating me. Spewing venom and lies that cut me so deep and won't stop ringing in my ears. She said I would end up just like her with my children being taken away from me.

Just like her....Just like her...Just like her.....

I am not her - and I pray that God will reveal truths in my life and keep me accountable and on the straight and narrow. But the enemy has weaseled his way into my thoughts, entwined his lies in the truth and blurred the lines so much so that I am feeling inadequate and fearful. I am starting to believe that I will be just like her - that this sweet baby girl will feel the same way about me someday that I feel towards my mother.

Pregnancy is uber emotional all on its own so I've been pushing these feelings and fears away in hopes that not acknowledging them will make them *poof* disappear! But they aren't going anywhere, and I refuse to let Satan win and take away the joy of carrying a child and basking in God's amazing plan!

So, what's my request? Your Prayers. I love my children beyond measure and I trust in the Lord with all my heart - and if you know me at all, you know these truths are evident in my life. But, I need my head and my heart to coincide and free me from these thoughts and lies. I need to take steps in forgiveness and move on with my life once and for all....Any ideas on how to actually do that? :)

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