Wednesday, May 15, 2013

A Little Self-Diagnosis......

I have a disorder. Nothing life threatening or serious - but a disorder non the less.

I call it 'detatchment disorder'. I don't know if it is a real something or just something I've made up.

Since I was little, we moved a lot {Due to numerous evictions}, people, family and friends came and went. My mother left when I was 10. No one ever really stuck around through the good and the bad. Everyone I loved has always left {Ok, not everyone - but the ones that were most important} My family floated in and out of jail and some floated in and out of consciousness with the help of illegal substances. It's always been me - the strong one. The clam one. The 'grown up'.

And when they leave...I shut down the part of my heart that they used to fill.

Maybe its a defense mechanism - maybe it's a good safety measure. But, whatever it is, it sucks.

I'm cautious around women and once you burn me - it's hard for me to trust again. I am praying over it and working hard to break down the walls that I build.

I have been doing this in response to my dad's passing. I went into survival mode: jam pack my schedule, run from one topic to the next, study like it's my job for school. But now, it's summer break and my days are filled with fun and leisure. {haha, leisure!}

It all hit on Mother's Day. I had to work which didn't bother me too much. Another nice distraction - plus, I really like my job. We were slow and I checked Facebook - everyone had posted so many nice things about their mothers....'Like' if you love your mom.....Share if your mom is the best. I evetually just stopped looking. The only nice thing about my mom is that she created me. And she gave me a great example of which path NOT to go down....

Anyhoo - I usually call my dad on Mother's Day. A bit unorthodox, but it's just the way I've always done. HE was there for me. HE talked to me about makeup, periods, and boys. HE was the one who shopped with me and tucked me in. HE was the best. I don't even have him to call now. I called his number and listened to his voicemail about 5 times. I have a beautiful family and enjoyed them celebrating me, but I secretly wanted the day to just be over.

The tears fell as I laid in bed and thought of my dad - and God heard my cries and gave me the most beautiful dream that night.

My dad, tan with freckles peeking out. Silver hair combed back. His blue eyes lit up in a great big smile. He was laughing. He hugged me and gave me a necklace with a key on it. He laughed and shrugged as if to say "it's all good, booga" {A nickname I've had since birth - and one I've never excaped}. I could not hear what he said and I can not for the life of me recall why we were laughing or what the key was for. But it was him. Warm, funny, and happy him.

That dream makes me laugh and it makes me cry. It spoke volumes although I didn't hear a word.

So, I must keep working through it. I can't let my 'diagnosis' of detachment disorder keep me from sorting through it. I need to be healthy and you know I won't just lie down and let this over take me.

I got a text today that rocked my world.

I have been hounding his wife, Beth, in a nice and respectful way, to get a date on the calender to go through his things. To take some of his ashes. To allow myself to see and touch his things and really feel it all. She finally gave me an answer:

She says she has nothing I want and that HER kids will spread their ashes together when she passes.

I couldn't breathe. I still cant figure it out. How...why...who would do such an ugly thing. I'm still trying to process it all. I have nothing of him - and will get nothing.

Abba, heavenly father, help me to be kind. To be and act like the woman you want me to be. Wipe these tears and give me discernment.

It's days like thses that I wish I was more 'hood :). That I didn't have to be responsible and nice and cautious. Because believe you me, I would be on the next flight, showing up at her doorstep and ASKING for trouble..........

I can't do much. But I can ask for your prayers. And maybe some advice if you've been through something like it. I'm just sitting, replaying it all, and letting tears fall.

1 comment:

  1. Lord I pray for Sweet Audrey. I pray that you would be near her. Piece back together her broken heart. Please be her rock and her refuge. Your love never fails us Lord and I pray that you would continue to pursue her and lift her up with your love. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.