It was supposed to chronicle the beautiful journey of my pregnancy with our third child....However, it will chronicle a sorrowful account of how our littlest has gone to be with the Lord.
Our second child, Hunter, will be 2 in June. And since the day we brought him home from the hospital we have said we wanted more! More of whoever God had chosen for us! But life kind of got in the way - School, work, 2 busy boys!
About six months ago I started pushing hard for it - no one was getting any younger! :) Mike and I 'discussed' it...which ended in him being frustrated and me crying. We just didn't know how to 'fit it in'. (sounds stupid in print....I know) After weeks of back and forth, Mike called out of the blue and told me not to take my pill any longer. It wasn't our plan, but God's and He would grow our family according to HIS plans...Pure joy! God had hit us both in the head with the same message at the same time that day!
About 4 weeks later, on a Tuesday, I woke and decided to take a test. I had taken one on Saturday and it was very much negative. But, I just had a hunch. Sure enough, we were expecting! My world changed in that moment! Nothing else mattered - it would all just fall into place because we truly trusted God to plan and keep this family.
I don't think Mike believed me when I called him...but we both got more and more excited as the days went by! A baby - a new life! A child God trusted us with in His perfect timing. I changed habits: ate healthier, gave up all but a lil' bit of caffeine (and if you know me - I am ALWAYS juiced with either pop or coffee!), and my body changed quickly. My abdomen heard we were expecting and literally made the sound of a popped whoopie cushion and gave out!
I was blessed beyond belief; a close relationship with God based on so much trust, a strong marriage, beautiful boys, and a semester marked with a 4.0 grade average.
Tuesday May 3
I had a busy morning, but that's the norm at my house anymore. I was about to hop in the shower before my 3-11 shift at the hospital when I noticed I was spotting a bit. I breathed deeply and begged my mind to calm down. Sometimes it's normal at the beginning of a pregnancy....I called Mike and he told me I had to call the Doctor. I did. A nurse called back, after what felt like an eternity, and told me to get an ultrasound done ASAP. I got to work and headed to U/S the minute they called for me.
I lay on the table, by myself, searching for any clue on the sonographers face. She turned the monitor away from me, and I begged my eyes to hold in tears. What a scary time....
I dressed and waited in the waiting room - my mind swirling with terrible thoughts. I always came back to "it can't happen, this baby is what God has for us...He'll be just fine..." After about an hour of wait I asked if they could just call the report to my floor. I had to do something to get my mind off the pain of waiting...
I set to work on Pediatrics, and at 6:00 our phone finally rang. The x-ray receptionist patched me through to Dr. Murphy before I could step into the break room for privacy. I heard her voice...her concerned tone...'No sign of a baby'...'maybe a blood clot'....'more tests'....My heart sank. I choked out the words "did I lose him?" No answer. Just "we need to do some blood work". I sobbed. I hung up the phone as I tried to wipe snot from my face. I couldn't see, my eyes stung. What the hell did that mean?!?! No sign of a baby....
Our charge nurse told me to go home and be with my family after making sure I was okay to drive. I went downstairs to the lab to wait for them to draw blood. The news was on and I was so angry they were talking about elections and who said what and who wore what. Didn't they know I could be losing a baby? Didn't the nurses know to hurry it up because I had to get home and hold my little boys tighter than ever?? This is not happening...
The next morning Mike and I met with Dr. Murphy. She was sweet, understanding, and helpful. She patted my knee and seemed to truly understand my pain. To know how difficult the decisions were that we were expected to make.
Here's What I do know:
I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I had an ultrasound and there was no baby to be found in the images - Just what appeared to maybe be a blood clot. I then had blood drawn to check my levels of HcG. I went to the doctor and she told me my level was around 200. A normal 6 week pregnant woman would have levels at 1500-2000.
She said I am either miscarying now, or it is an Ectopic Pregnancy. Either way - it is not a 'viable' pregnancy. Baby will never fully develop.
I go back to have more blood drawn tonight before my Anatomy Final - and my levels checked again. If they are high it is most likely an ectopic pregnancy and we will decide between surgery and a shot to get baby out. If my levels are low - baby will have passed away and I will have a D&C to get him out. I will have an answer as to what the next step is on Friday morning around 9.
Sorrow and sadness to do not begin to cover the emotions I am feeling....but one thing I do know is that I am hopeful. Through the tears I can feel God's love, and that even in this, He has a perfect plan. I am grieving over this baby that I will never hold, but I am holding tightly to the boys I do have...
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."
1 Samuel 1:27-28
Beautifully said. I love you and am praying for your heart to heal.
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