Breathe In, Breathe Out.....

Last Tuesday I had my Nursing Orientation meeting..I went in excited and full of butterflies. I came out - crying. Not because my feelings were hurt or that I was scared, I was (am) overwhelmed....

Part-time work, Full-time school, Full-time mom, wife, and friend. How can I do all this? How will I keep up? Will there be days that my kids won't remember what I look like because I'm either at work, school, or have my nose stuck in a book? I am so fearful of the busyness. I don't want to sacrifice all my time with my kids for a degree....But becoming an RN will benefit us all - and 4 semesters is just a season of our lives.

I work solely for insurance - this is an answer to our prayers as we have great coverage for the entire family through Porter Hospital. So, I can't quit my job - or even cut back hours.

I will have classes at least two days a week, clinicals at least one night a week, and work 1-2 week nights and every other weekend. Oy!

When I called Mike he could hear the fear in my voice. He said we'd take it a day at time. He is so good; both for me and to me. He is not afraid of hard work - at his day job and with our kids. There is no chore that he won't do - I am blessed beyond belief to have him. I love that he believes in me, and stands right by my side to help me.

So, what am I going to do?

Breathe in and out. Slowly and calmly. I am going to go to my Father, daily - perhaps by the minute, and lay all of this at his feet. I will trust that He will perfectly work out Insurance for us. That He will provide a sitter for the kids. That He will help me balance it all.

I trust in His perfect and beautiful plan. He has blessed me ABUNDANTLY and I will continue to trust in and walk with Him.

Stressin.....

It's been far too long since I have blogged!

This is due partly to summer classes (Math and Life Skills), partly to family and work, and mostly, due to life! Isn't it funny how weeks can just fly and when we look back we see that all we've done is survive?

I have noticed that all I have done is make it thru each day - not thinking about the footprint that I've left behind. I'm working so hard to be everything to everyone and to get at least a C in my math class. I have neglected to spend time with my Father - and that is why this stress has crept in and taken root in my heart. I am a bit of a control freak and I feel like the more I worry - the better the outcome. Pretty dumb, right?

Lionel Young spoke directly to my heart this past Sunday in his sermon. As I was blow drying my hair I prayed that God would take my burden and allow me to worship and learn. And He did just that! I lifted my hands and my voice and took notes. What a beautiful let down of worries!

My God told me that He will grant me what I ask in His name. So I am fervently praying that He will lead me into Nursing school this Fall - meaning that I will pass Math with at least a C. I have 2 tutors, and am working hours on it every day. I am doing  my part to work hard, and also trusting in God's plan for my life....

A Letter Came....

While at work on Saturday I got a text from a girlfriend that she had received her letter from Ivy Tech in the mail. I got a knot in my stomach and my heart started racing! I couldn't wait to get home and check my mailbox....

I prayed the whole way home - "Lord, your will...not mine. Your will, NOT mine." I pulled in the drive and hopped out and grabbed the mail. There in my hot little hands was a letter from Ivy Tech. I breathed deeply and closed my eyes, trying to calm my shaking hands. I even took a picture of the unopened letter (for posterity's sake, and to post to Facebook). I opened it and my eyes immediately went to the word not (and yes, that is the exact way it appeared in the text!) I wasn't in - and apparently couldn't understand the rejection letter's wording without the bold, italicized, and underlined wording. Thanks for the salt in my wound, IT!

I cried - I think I cursed. I was so upset. I had worked hard! A 4.0 GPA and an above average TEAS test score....I gave up time with family and friends, hours of required sleep, and a large chunk of my sanity. What more do they want?

Mike is in Canada and didn't answer my call. I felt alone and stupid. (I hate to call myself stupid; it is far from the truth. But that letter made me feel that way!) I didn't want to share my news with anyone, and only a few people know about it as of now. I was okay with wallowing in self pity - and letting my anger creep in and steal my joy. And I did wallow on Saturday.

I was standing in church on Sunday morning and God spoke to me in EVERY song! {He works ALL things together for MY good!} {Hallelujah! What a Savior!}

Not my will, but yours, Lord

There will be answers to this. I will see - in HIS timing - what He has for me. I was so overcome with sadness over losing the baby - but I felt that maybe school was where I was supposed to be. Now with school seeming to be gone, I'm was not sure what to do....

!!BUT WAIT!!

I applied to Valpo Ivy Tech for both programs - LPN and RN. I have only been declined for the RN. I have not yet heard about the LPN program. The same at Gary Ivy Tech. I haven't heard on either from the Gary campus.

I refuse to be down about this. If I am to be in nursing - I will be. If God has another place for me - I will be there. And, for tonight, I am okay with waiting on Him. And I will praise Him and live for Him WHILE I'M WAITING.

Psalm 25

1 To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul;

in you I trust, O my God.

4 Show me your ways, O Lord,

teach me your paths....

 my hope is in you all day long.

7....for you are good, O Lord.

10 All the ways of the Lord

are loving and faithful...

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope is in you.

Been a While June 5

Well....It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been busy - but I don't know what with....

The Spring semester is over, and tomorrow I start Summer semester.  I am taking Ivy Tech Life Skills - the Community College Experience. I am also taking Algebra and Trigonometry. They're both Internet courses, but I know I'll be busy and have to work hard to keep up my GPA.

I am still waiting on my {Acceptance} letter from the Nursing program at Ivy Tech. They have been delayed twice and now are set to be in the mail the middle of next week.....Did I ever mention that I abhor waiting - being in limbo? I am a planner. I love lists, calenders, and having every minute scheduled and knowing exactly what comes next. I know...CONTROL FREAK!! :) Hi, I'm Audrey and I'm anal retentive. Whew, feels great to get it out there.

I have been filling my days with busyness....and not really talking to my Father. Luckily, He is patient and gives second chances - this is my 2,890th second chance! :) I am antsy and have not let peace in, because I have been trying to take life on all by myself. I sat and read last night before bed.

Reading over how meaningless the 'priorities' of this world are. It's all a chasing after the wind. Do you know anyone who can catch the wind? I can't....Lord knows I have tried, though.

I need to get back. I am open and completely broken to God's will. I need to remind myself of this daily. I am open to the things that tug at my heart strings - the things I am {almost} afraid that God will call me to do...I think that's how He teaches us to trust.

I am a sitter at work today and have time to read, reflect, and write.....and get paid for it. Score!! :)

Lessons I Learned While Trying Not to Lose My Sanity.....

What a week....

it's been loud,

crazy,

obnoxious,

fun,

silly,

stressful,

hard,

and beautiful all at once.

I've had a blessed week and learned some lessons along the way.

Lesson #1.

I have been so excited to use the LAST diaper in this house! (For now, of course) And in that celebration have overlooked stocking up on wipes. (An essential in potty training!) Hoobie has been doing well...he genuinely likes the toilet and likes using it for the intended purpose - as well as for other 'recreational' purposes...

Today, he went potty and while I was throwing away the old pull up, he ran to the kitchen. No pants, just a T-shirt....

I think it's cute!!

Here is the lesson in this story - ALWAYS diaper a 23 month old no matter how sweet their 'cheeks' are! I spent the next few 'not so cute' minutes cleaning poo (sorry...) off the carpet! oh, and no wipes makes it VERY fun to clean the aforementioned poo off legs, booty, hands, and feet.

Lesson learned.

 

Lesson #2

A mixed drink in a pretty glass at 8 o'clock on the couch while wearing jammies can feel like a vacation...

(Captain and Diet, if you're wondering!)

 

Lesson #3

While wrestling with 2 boys - watch out for tongues....You get the picture, right? Oh, and note to self - I MUST start lifting weights if I want to have more boys and spend time wrestling. Man, they are strong when one gets your legs and the other tickles you while trying to lick your face!

 

Lesson #4

A tube of sunblock can make BEAUTIFUL finger paintings on your leather car upholstery...I'm sure you're getting a mental image of this one as well....

 

Lesson #5

Getting your hands dirty in the mud can do wonders for your soul....

And flowers always cheer your heart!

 

Lesson #6

ANYONE who 'knows' when the end will come is a crackpot...

'Nuff said.

 

Lesson #7

If you want your child to eat, make them a different meal than you're eating. (preferably something easy and savable for next time. i.e., PB&J) Then tell them to eat their food while you eat yours. Chances are, they'll opt for the food on your plate and actually eat a good, full meal! And *BONUS* you get to eat the PB&J - a favorite of mine! :)

 

Lesson #8

Don't wear shorts if you haven't shaved your legs...No matter who you're hanging out with.

I shaved on Monday. I worked Tuesday and Wednesday nights.

On Thursday morning I was sipping coffee on the couch with the boys. Hoobie came over and said 'Hi, Momma!' His blue eyes locked with mine and he put his little patties on my knees. He ran his hands down and up in a sweet, loving way. I was happy with this wake-up greeting...until his face changed to concern. "Uckie, momma. Uckie! Owwww....." I guess even a little guy can tell when mom is getting lazy and doesn't shave!

 

Lesson #9

Laugh when you wanna scream....it'll save your sanity and freak your kids out so much so that they just may stop throwing golf balls at the dog in your formal dining room long enough to pay attention to the warning you're giving...

 

Lesson #10

Trying to wear out your knees in prayer is a futile effort....God made our knees to bend and He'll renew your strength with every single 'Amen'.  But, I dare you to try it....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrating Mike! May 17

I met Mikie about 8 years ago at work. He was (and IS) SO cute and sweet!

He was one of those guys that I crushed on hard - never imagining

That God would join our hearts forever!

He is so many  things to us:

A playmate to the boys...

A curious little boy in a man's body!

A wonderful Daddy with loving hands to comfort,

strong hands to protect,

and hard hands to discipline and keep his boys

in line with the Lord's commands.

He is captain of his boat,

a Boss at work,

a tender heart to the ones he loves,

a comedian,

a philosopher,

the hardest working man, 

wine connoseur,

a man of God,

and he

enjoys a good cigar and a round or two of golf.

He is my better half - and I love having a day to tell him all these things!

To shower him in love,

make a special dinner,

and get him gifts.

He never asks for anything - and he embarrasses easily when all eyes are on him.....

And I take full advantage of pampering him when I can!

Happy Birthday, Mike!

(oh, and he doesn't like his picture taken! :)

Stealing Joy.... May 15

I was getting Parker ready for church. He was in a hooded towel - he's 3 and WAY too big for them, but he loves the comfort of their fluffiness! - and I was picking out a nice outfit for him to wear. He looked sweetly at me and said, "Momma, how's the baby?" He reached out and touched my belly. I looked him in the eyes and paused....Do you tell a 3 year old the truth about their baby sibling? Should I gloss it over? Make it seem as if he were crazy and we never were expecting?

He deserved to know the truth. I felt a calm wash over me and I said, "Sweetie, our baby went to heaven to be with Jesus." He looked confused. "So she's not in there?" "No, baby. Jesus took her to heaven!" He looked upset. "Was she bad so he took her?" "No, buddy! She was wonderful. But she was sick and Jesus took her home. Sometimes little tiny babies need to go be with Jesus because He can take better care of them than we can."

He had a crest-fallen look on his innocent, chubby cheeks. "But I wanted to put her in sweet little dresses..." I hugged him tightly and marveled at how much even he loved this little baby...

I wanted to dress her up, too. I wanted to see her big brothers take care of her. I wanted her...or him. I wanted that baby.

This season of life is so busy....school, work, kids, Youth Group, a partnership with my hubby. Trying to juggle all of these things - to be the best at each one. I am a master plate spinner! But in those few precious weeks of my pregnancy - I let them all slow to a stop and hit the floor. I was having a baby! This would change life - but in great, busy, crazy, loud, beautiful ways! I had a pass to let the little things go. So many things were up in the air: would I get into nursing school? Were Mike and I seeing where God wanted us? Were we following Him? How would I work, go to school, and be a good mom and wife? But in those weeks - I knew one thing to be certain. I was pregnant, and would be for at least 8 more months. I would follow where God led, school and work would fall into place EXACTLY as God intended.

Now, I just feel up in the air. I am at peace with where little number 3 is....that that baby is loved beyond belief and will meet me one day at the Heavenly gates - smiling and recognizing me as her/his momma!

But now what? I feel like I don't know what to do now...I want that acceptance letter from school. I want more kids. I want to be a servant of God. I want to hear Him whisper to me what His plan is. I am a planner, and I am unbelievably vulnerable when I can't see it all laid out! :) My head is filled with noise, with plans, with questions, and now worry is seeping in.

I have been in a funk - just an un-happy place. But I refuse to let Satan steal my joy and cloud the beauty that is all around me! This week I will be still. I will listen to my Father - I will trust. And you can hold me accountable and ask what God is telling me...This way I will have to have an answer - I will have to be still. (Well, figuratively speaking! You all know I don't truly 'relax'! )

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with signing."

Haggai 3:17