A Request...

How do you be the best mom you can when the only example you have known seems like something straight out of a Jerry Springer episode?

This is a question that has haunted me since the day Mike and I got married. We both knew from our first date that we wanted kids - and to raise them in a Christian household. Talking about it was fine - and when we became pregnant with Parker I talked myself into believing that I would be the best mom, the total opposite of my mother. I prayed daily and trusted that God would take over and teach me by example of women around me how to accomplish my most important goal. And He did teach me....I'm learning everyday through the Word, prayer, amazing girlfriends and family, and trial-and-error. I don't always do it right; I fail, and I yell, and I misunderstand. But there is forgiveness in every new morning I greet. God has placed the most amazing Step Mom and Mother in Law in my life - and I can't imagine how I would make it through without them. And my husband; oh, my BEST half. He is gentle, loving, and so very patient when I just need to cry or vent or laugh. He makes me laugh harder than anyone I've ever met. And he builds me up and forces me see the good job I am doing.

But that was with the boys.....

We recently found out that we're having a baby GIRL - Praise the Lord for a beautiful, healthy, and perfectly developing child! I will not question God's perfect will over my life and the lives of the children He will give. But, just between you and me, I'm scared to death of being a mother to a girl.

My mother and my relationship has been unhealthy and turbulent since my earliest memories. I've always bent over backwards to try and make my mother love me, to make her proud. She left in the middle of the night when I was 10, and never looked back or accepted responsibility. Every time she called and came back and I forgave and forgot - I wound up being hurt, no, destroyed. I always turned a blind eye to her blatant sinning in hopes that she would accept me and be a healthy fixture in my life. But I just can't any longer. I am a mother - and I need to be emotionally and physically healthy in order to best take care of my family.

The last time my mother and I talked was when Hunter was only a few weeks old - well over two years ago. In that conversation I was letting God speak through me - keeping my cool and not stooping to her level. I calmly explained to her that her lies were catching up with her and hurting people she [supposedly] loved. And that her drug and alcohol abuse made it impossible to have a relationship with her. She yelled and ranted, cursed me up one side and down the other, called me every name in the book and ended with calling me the b-word and sarcastically saying that I am 'just SOOO perfect' (in a snotty 6th grade girl kind of voice). Her words still haunt me. My own mother - hating me. Spewing venom and lies that cut me so deep and won't stop ringing in my ears. She said I would end up just like her with my children being taken away from me.

Just like her....Just like her...Just like her.....

I am not her - and I pray that God will reveal truths in my life and keep me accountable and on the straight and narrow. But the enemy has weaseled his way into my thoughts, entwined his lies in the truth and blurred the lines so much so that I am feeling inadequate and fearful. I am starting to believe that I will be just like her - that this sweet baby girl will feel the same way about me someday that I feel towards my mother.

Pregnancy is uber emotional all on its own so I've been pushing these feelings and fears away in hopes that not acknowledging them will make them *poof* disappear! But they aren't going anywhere, and I refuse to let Satan win and take away the joy of carrying a child and basking in God's amazing plan!

So, what's my request? Your Prayers. I love my children beyond measure and I trust in the Lord with all my heart - and if you know me at all, you know these truths are evident in my life. But, I need my head and my heart to coincide and free me from these thoughts and lies. I need to take steps in forgiveness and move on with my life once and for all....Any ideas on how to actually do that? :)

Mom Guilt

Oy! The beauty of being a mother - and the pressure put on to be the best and do it all, all of the time.

I had a good day at work on Saturday - we were busy and the day flew by. I stopped off at Kohl's and Yankee Candle to score freebies and get a few Christmas gifts on my way home. I arrived home ready to get a shower and hang out with the Youth Group at Pesto's and a VU Basketball game.

Then I saw I had started to spot - again. I was scared and upset and called the doctor. She asked that I come to the Hospital and get checked out. I went in immediately and called a dear friend on the way for support and prayer. All checked out fine, no dilation, no contractions, and an ultrasound showed baby girl safely inside, playing away! It was a nerve-racking 3 hours, and many calls and texts to update Mike of what was going on. I lay in the bed worrying away....when the nurse came in with a smile and gave me the all clear. She ordered bed rest for 48 hours and a few further instructions.

I walked up to my unit to give my doctor's note with the order to stay home from work the next day. And it hit me: GUILT!! I feel awful about calling off. Then, the girls reminded me that rest is exactly what I need, and it was probably doing too much at work that got me into this in the first place.... Then, I felt worse. I had caused this, brought it upon myself.

I came home and got my babies in bed (without lifting one of them!) and snuggled in to relax and put my feet up.

Bed rest sounds like a lovely little vacation from chores and having to wear anything but sweats. But for me, Type A and a touch ADHD, sitting still is not one of my strong suits! I made lists, did homework, read, and folded laundry, and ordered a maternity support belt for work - all while sitting....I felt guilty about watching Mike get the boys showered and off to church, preparing meals, cleaning up, and he also had work to catch up on.

I would do anything to keep my baby safe and healthy, but little girl is giving me a run for my money! I am still resting today. My wonderful Mother-in-Law is coming to help out with the boys and I will check in and see what the doctor wants to do next.

I am following orders and trying like crazy to keep this nagging guilt at bay! I guess I'll just enjoy being the one to be taken care of and playing with my little boys.... :)

Just Some Friendly Tips....

If you should ever encounter a pregnant woman, please choose your words, comments, questions, and suggestions, carefully.

 Here are a few LOVELY little comments I have received thus far in this pregnancy (number 3):

1. "How far along are you? Really? Really? Are you sure you're only __ weeks along??"

2. "Maybe you're carrying twins!?! You can't be that big so early for just ONE baby...."

3. "I think it's a Girl. They say that girl's take all your good looks."

4. "It could be a girl, they say you gain a lot of weight in your butt and thighs when you're having a girl."

5. "Should you be eating that?" (It was a  SALAD and a slice of pizza!!)

6.  " Caffeine really isn't good for you..." (To which I replied: I get one cup of coffee and/or can of pop a day. It's one thing that I SO look forward to as I have 2 kids - neither of whom nap! - I work, and I go to school!)

7. "WOW! You're REALLY big!"

8. "How OLD are you?!?" (To which I'd love to reply, while wrangling my 2 other kids - "Just turned 16..." just to mess with people!!)

Long story short: We're tried, we're sweaty, we're EMOTIONAL, and your comments - although well meant - are not helpful, nor kind.

I'm enjoying this time with my guys and a precious little one in my belly, and I am finally learning to laugh it off. This is my fourth pregnancy in four years, and I think I'm doing pretty well! :)

Is That Poop Smeared on My Shirt?!?

We've been in Wisconsin Dells for the past few days and have had a blast on our much-needed family vacation! Horseback riding, water parks, go-carts, arcades, treats, an historical train ride, and a petting zoo. My boys have loved every minute of it - except, of  course, sitting down to eat three times a day. I have a love-hate relationship with food - I love it, but its hard to eat while trying not to toss my cookies. And I hate it when I know I need to eat, but it takes me 30 minutes to choke down a banana!

We had a few meltdowns on this trip - which were quickly curtailed by an appropriate punishment and due to little boys being tired from simply too much fun.

I spent almost all of my trip covered in food that the boys [generously] wiped on my clothes, sticky, and just plain dirty. I sported raccoon eyes while running in and out of waterfalls with the boys, up ladders and down water slides! I carried tired guys, and lugged my camera to capture every minute. I sometimes get wrapped up in how I look to others. 'Hi! We're from Indiana. Haha - normally I don't look like this but *child* spilled *whatever can be spilled* on me.' {Haha, cringe!} and 'Normally I don't sweat this much, but I'm 7 1/2 weeks pregnant. Yeah, I know. I look huge, but it's just ONE baby and I'm SURE I'm just 7 weeks. No, yeah, I'm sure.' Thanks for asking!

I spent about 4 hours walking around exploring and feeling good about how I looked. Showered, hair done, and a clean cute outfit. It wasn't until we home that I realized that brown streak on my belly was, in fact, poop from changing a diaper on the go. Oy!

But to my kids - I'm beautiful. I'm strong and fun. And I carried them - 10 months of 'mountain' climbing EACH. My body bears the battle scars of 30 hours of combined labor to bring the first two into the world. I don't always have time for make up and a blow dryer - or clothes that don't use the word 'sweat-____' to describe them. My hands and my feet are almost never manicured - or painted.  But, I do have time for kisses and hugs, discussions about animals and matchbox cars, and wiping tears. These are the things I care about - the things I wouldn't miss for the world. I have years and years to get my pre-baby figure back (Yikes! That was about 20 pounds ago....but, I digress. Let's get THIS little bundle healthy and out - then I'll work on losing [hopefully] a few of those!)

Us moms live a selfless life - and I'd give up even more if it meant that my children and husband could feel any  more loved or happier......

Changes....Big and Small

It's been a busy and way too fast-paced summer in the Krooswyk Household! Between Church events with Youth, the boys, weekends at the Lake, work, and school it seems like we're chasing our tails! But, the summer school semester is over and I have a few precious weeks to slow down and enjoy my guys!

Speaking of school - I received my grade in Math....3% points off from a C. So, no nursing school this Fall. But, I am continuing on with my pre-reqs and will apply to the ASN program again next Summer or Fall. I was sad and disappointed - but I refuse to play the shoulda-coulda-woulda game. I worked hard and did my absolute best, and that's all I can say. I also appealed to my teacher, and his supervisor - to no avail.

Another school- related topic - Parker is all enrolled and ready to start pre-school at Little Lamb this Fall. I am so excited for him; he just beams when he talks about pre school and all the fun he'll have....but my 'momma heart' is aching that he is such a big boy - and that he's not sad in the least to be without his momma! On one hand I am so grateful that he isn't clingy and scared to go - but he could at least humor me and say he'll miss me! :)  I guess I should get used to my 'babies' growing up!

I am still fiercely clinging to knowing that God has a plan for me... and to following where He leads. I am beginning to see that sometimes unanswered prayers aren't at all unanswered, just re-directed to fit God's way-too-good-to-be-true plan!

And that brings me to this - the biggest - well - 'smallest' change.....

Mike and I are beyond excited to announce that Baby Krooswyk #3 will make a grand entrance in March 2012!! Everything is going great, healthy, and right on schedule. I had an ultrasound on Tuesday that showed a strong heartbeat and a gorgeous baby growing and changing! Praise the Lord for His faithfulness - and His plans that we can't always see or understand!

Breathe In, Breathe Out.....

Last Tuesday I had my Nursing Orientation meeting..I went in excited and full of butterflies. I came out - crying. Not because my feelings were hurt or that I was scared, I was (am) overwhelmed....

Part-time work, Full-time school, Full-time mom, wife, and friend. How can I do all this? How will I keep up? Will there be days that my kids won't remember what I look like because I'm either at work, school, or have my nose stuck in a book? I am so fearful of the busyness. I don't want to sacrifice all my time with my kids for a degree....But becoming an RN will benefit us all - and 4 semesters is just a season of our lives.

I work solely for insurance - this is an answer to our prayers as we have great coverage for the entire family through Porter Hospital. So, I can't quit my job - or even cut back hours.

I will have classes at least two days a week, clinicals at least one night a week, and work 1-2 week nights and every other weekend. Oy!

When I called Mike he could hear the fear in my voice. He said we'd take it a day at time. He is so good; both for me and to me. He is not afraid of hard work - at his day job and with our kids. There is no chore that he won't do - I am blessed beyond belief to have him. I love that he believes in me, and stands right by my side to help me.

So, what am I going to do?

Breathe in and out. Slowly and calmly. I am going to go to my Father, daily - perhaps by the minute, and lay all of this at his feet. I will trust that He will perfectly work out Insurance for us. That He will provide a sitter for the kids. That He will help me balance it all.

I trust in His perfect and beautiful plan. He has blessed me ABUNDANTLY and I will continue to trust in and walk with Him.

Stressin.....

It's been far too long since I have blogged!

This is due partly to summer classes (Math and Life Skills), partly to family and work, and mostly, due to life! Isn't it funny how weeks can just fly and when we look back we see that all we've done is survive?

I have noticed that all I have done is make it thru each day - not thinking about the footprint that I've left behind. I'm working so hard to be everything to everyone and to get at least a C in my math class. I have neglected to spend time with my Father - and that is why this stress has crept in and taken root in my heart. I am a bit of a control freak and I feel like the more I worry - the better the outcome. Pretty dumb, right?

Lionel Young spoke directly to my heart this past Sunday in his sermon. As I was blow drying my hair I prayed that God would take my burden and allow me to worship and learn. And He did just that! I lifted my hands and my voice and took notes. What a beautiful let down of worries!

My God told me that He will grant me what I ask in His name. So I am fervently praying that He will lead me into Nursing school this Fall - meaning that I will pass Math with at least a C. I have 2 tutors, and am working hours on it every day. I am doing  my part to work hard, and also trusting in God's plan for my life....